ProgressOhio

Like drones, spouse and I attended the fair yesterday. We didn't expect any surprises and we weren't disappointed.

The fair is all about rural life, and that means animals. That's cool. The ODNR park has a good collection of birds, fish, butterflies and native mammals, as well as an automaton Smokey the Bear. Maybe because it rained, the owls, bobcat, river otter and fox were unusually alert in their small cages. (Except for an occasional gray fox, I've never seen any of these animals in the wild, have you? I guess we just have to take ODNR's word for it that these are Ohio natives.)

From the gigantic cardinal and butter cow sculptures to the impressive and so-still Budweiser Clydesdales, animals rule the fair. There's even a decent petting zoo. (I believe it's from Missouri.) I wonder about this international collection of docile beings. Isn't the giant tortoise bugged by the constant dromedary bleating?

Speaking of drones, one thing I miss about the Ag building of yesteryear is the Wall of Bees display. It was interesting and kind of empowering as a kid to see those worker bees doing their thing under glass. (The bee wall was abandoned, I suspect, when we fell victim to Big Ag Commercialization Syndrome.)

Then there's the animals you eat (I do, anyway). The fair is my opportunity to look my food sources in the eye. We sat in the arena bleachers for awhile and watched 10-year-olds handling 250 lb. sheep with ease. It's like a countrified Westminster Dog Show.

The fair is where I realize how ignorant I am about farm life. For example, the Ohio Cattlemen's Assn. offers this advise to breeders in The Ring magazine: "Use Expected Progeny Differences (EDP's) when making sire selections. I have heard of many heifer owners that are unwilling to use a calving-ease sire on a first-calf heifer because they believe they are 'wasting' their first calf because it will probably not be thick enough to merchandise or show...." What the....?

You hear ag people (as opposed to actual farmers and ranchers) talk about "checkoff" programs a lot. I've finally figured out what this means, thanks to a large amount of literature offered by the Ohio Beef Council. For every head of cattle sold, $1 goes to a national beef PR campaign. One of the results is BeefItsWhatsForDinner.com. (Warning: vegetarians may find the "Beefscapes" in the aforementioned link objectionable and possibly nauseating. Me, I like the seascape made of kabobs. Is that sand garlic?)

I also picked up a lot of government literature at the fair. The new and very fine State of Perfect Balance logo and slogan was much in evidence. Here's a random selection of Ohio bureaucratic factoid finds:

-- From the Department of Health's Pocket Size Plan: "Experts believe a worldwide outbreak, or pandemic, of influenza will happen someday (sic). The exact timing is not known, but it is certain our everyday live will change drastically during a pandemic. These changes may include temporary closing of schools or cancellation of events, disruption of normal service such as utilities and some shortages...."

-- From the Division of Wildlife Hunting & Trapping Regulations: "It is unlawful to take or attempt to take a wild turkey while it is in a tree."

-- From Department of Commerce Division of Labor & Worker Safety poster: "Prohibited Occupations for Minors 14-17 Years of Age: Power-driven bakery machines...Coal mines...Motor vehicle occupations (?)....

-- Division of Liquor Control brochure How to Object to the Issuance or Renewal of a Liquor Permit: "A general objection based on location of an institution, moral beliefs, institutional policy, adequate number of permit premises currently in the neighborhood, inadvisability, or economic and social consequences of drinking do not constitute reasonable bases to reject a permit."

Fascinating stuff found only at the fair!

Oh yeah, we also really liked the old pictures of Great Western Shopping Center's Walk of Wonders, provided by the Ohio Historical Society, I believe. By the time I saw "the Wonders," they looked like a lame mini-golf course.

The fair was exactly like we expected it to be. This year, I didn't even frighten any Amish boys with my short hair. Unless you're a native-born Ohioan, you may not fully appreciate the fair and our need to embrace the dull.