|
|
| Also listed in: Female political bloggers |
Dear Mr. John Freshwater,
We servants of God here at X Bible University were impressed with your righteous display of Christian spirit as described in the Dispatch. Teaching creationism in public school, insisting on keeping a Bible on your desk, leading a "healing session" for Christian athletes, and -- did we read this correctly? -- burning crosses on the forearms of students. Glory be!
You sound like just the kind of youth leader we're looking for here at XBU. As a designated Holy Man, you too could enjoy the fruits of your Christian labors here on our lovely campus -- tax free!
As a like-minded Christian, we're sure you'll appreciate our Bible-literal code of conduct (no female teachers, ritual stonings for the sin of blasphemy, no sports on Sundays, etc.) Here at XBU we go the extra mile to protect our boys from Jezebels and other harmful influences of females. For example, all classroom chairs are labeled with helpful "A Menstruating Virgin Sat Here" time-stamped placards [Leviticus 15:20].
We feel confident that you will see the light, Mr. Freshwater, and join our Bible-based academic community. You'll be impressed with the dioramas in our Creationist Science "lab," featuring Noah loading dinosaurs into the Ark. Like you, we reject all this Natural Selection phooey. If it's too complex to explain, God must have done it -- no questions asked!
Given your righteous beliefs and superior values, it's difficult to understand why you have chosen a career as a science teacher in a public school in the first place, Mr. Freshwater. However, we hope it's not too late for you to join our crusade to train Christian soldiers for battle (and the inevitable Apocalypse, of course). Besides, it's only a matter of time before some liberal nutcases have you thrown out of the public school system and replaced with some Mohammedan who wants to keep a Koran on his desk. Imagine that!
I'll pray with you, Brother, that the burn marks you left on students don't leave lasting scars. Amen,
--Pastor Rev. Jim Bob, Chancellor, X Bible University & "Mr. Muscular Christianity" 1976
