ProgressOhio

One in four teenage girls has a sexually transmitted infection, according to the Centers for Disease Control. One in four! "Additionally, teen birth rates are going up and the cost of birth control is skyrocketing," said Gary Dougherty, State Legislative Director, Planned Parenthood Affiliates of Ohio.

On May 30, 2007, the bi-partisan Ohio Prevention First Act was introduced in the Ohio House of Representatives.  This landmark legislation will reduce unintended pregnancies through:

• Realistic sex education and teen pregnancy prevention programs
• Funding for family planning programs
• Guaranteed access to birth control prescriptions
• Contraceptive equity
• Emergency contraception access and education

It is critical that this commonsense legislation be scheduled for a hearing before the end of the year.  You can help make that happen. 

Sign the petition urging the Chairman of the House Health Committee, Rep. Lynn Wachtmann (R-Napoleon), to schedule a hearing on the Ohio Prevention First Act.

PPAO and I appreciate your support. I can't think of any legislation the General Assembly could undertake that could benefit more Ohioans more positively health-wise.

Glock or Magnum? Help me decide. I got my $600 stimulus check today, and I thought I'd put it to good use by protecting my family with a hand gun.

The Slimline Glock is an attractive model that I could fit in my purse, but the .44 Magnum offers more bang for the buck and it's so, well, shiny.

What's that? Rather than protect families, household hand guns cause homicides and suicides you say?  Oh, fiddledeedee. I'll be careful. Trust me, I'm a law-abiding citizen.

Besides, we smaller people require all the more firepower. We're more vulnerable, you know.

Sidenote: My guvment stimulus check, issued from Austin, TX on July 4th, has my name spelled incorrectly. This tells me that humans were hired to key-in the names of stimulus check recipients, thus introducing human error into the process. Our government does not know how to copy IRS files apparently. Jeez. Do we have to be technologically illiterate just to create jobs?

Heck, I could waste my stimulus check on porn like everyone else, but I've got a family to protect.

War. What is it good for? Political speech, apparently.

As November approaches, expect the pundits to throw out more and more war-themed volleys. Ohio is a battleground state, after all.

I've always been puzzled by anti-choice "battle against abortion" rhetoric. Who's the enemy? Slutty girls?

According to Slate, politicos get so caught up in the idea of actual war rooms, anyone who's anyone has to have one:

Some people are particularly attached to the notion of war room as physical place. "I get hired by so many corporate clients who want a room with clocks and maps and everything," says Chris Lehane, a former spokesman for Al Gore who now heads a public-relations firm. "When you try to explain to them it’s just a concept and not a physical embodiment, they don’t want to hear it."

Meanwhile, the War on Terror will remain unwinnable. The enemy is too difficult to define, much less defeat.

The Dispatch ran a political article today with the head Officer Needed in Oval Office? about whether military experience should be a prerequisite for the presidency. (Short answer: No. And I think my WWII war hero dad would agree.)

All this rocket's red glare, guns ablazing, military talk has me yearning for the days of tired old political sports metaphors. Let's hit one out of the park, Democrats!

Now that the bratwurst is still fresh in my colon, I want to tell you about my little July 4th prank.

I live in a community known for its uppity attitude, overly remodeled homes, lack of diversity and petty disputes (zoning, trash collection). Other than those things, I like living here a lot.

Here in Uppityville, the 4th of July parade is a mighty big deal. I appreciate the parade heritage, having ridden my crepe-paper decorated bike very slowly in the parade back in the '60s. Now that I live close to the parade route, I wouldn't miss the Spirit of 76, the Tin Lizzy Patrol (where can I get a fez?), the old-timers harmonica band and the neighborhood floats. (Special thumbs up to the Grove City marching band for their repeat good performances.)

In fact, I am unabashedly patriotic to the point of being geeky. I throw kisses to veterans and display not only American flags in my yard, but also an Ohio flag. And a fine flag it is.

So, I like the parade as much as anyone, perhaps more so. With that said, I have become disturbed by a trend I've noticed. More and more areas of the parade route were being penned off with stakes and rope in an effort to reserve private viewing areas. By July 2, about half of the curbside areas were a tangle of twine, yellow caution tape and lawn chairs. By July 3 evening, three-quarters of the good spots were "taken."

But by dawn July 4th, all ropes were down. Snip, snip. Tee-hee.

From a safety standpoint, some little kid was likely to be literally clotheslined by these human pen constructions. But that's not why I did it. I overturned sawhorses, pulled up stakes and cut dozens of ropes because I wanted people to feel embarrassed by their piggish, territorial behavior.

I didn't disturb anyone's lawn chair in the hopes that these were reserved for grandma. I didn't mess with anyone's construction on private property (only the easement area) or the marked "Class of 53" viewing area. I pulled some lawn chairs out of the street that had blown over.

Many people witnessed my snipping session, including a cop (if he was paying attention), city workers, dog walkers and bicyclists. A teenage boy yelled out of his window "Why did you cut that?" I was kind of embarrassed to be caught by a kid, so I just put my hands up in a "guilty as charged" gesture and kept walking. A woman about my age asked "Is there a purpose in what you're doing?" I replied, "It's public property." I have to give both of these people credit -- they didn't confront me, they just asked reasonable questions. Funny how full-grown men shy away from menopausal women carrying scissors.

It remains to be seen if my protest against "me first" behavior at the parade had any impact. I heard a girl whining about her ruined jump rope, but that's about it. I saw a municipal court judge that I know at the parade and told her about my exploits. She couldn't think of any laws I had violated. So if I didn't make my point this year, I'll be back.

As an added touch, I posted a small sign near a schoolyard along the parade route with the lyrics of This Land is Your Land by Woody Guthrie. This patriotic song holds up even though it's more than 50 years old.

The fourth verse is my favorite....

As I was walkin'  -  I saw a sign there
And that sign said - no tress passin'
But on the other side  .... it didn't say nothin!
Now that side was made for you and me!

The last verse is chilling...and a reminder that protest is patriotic!

In the squares of the city - In the shadow of the steeple
Near the relief office - I see my people
And some are grumblin' and some are wonderin'
If this land's still made for you and me.

In a review of Obama's Zanesville visit, The New York Times says: "Obama's high-profile embrace of a key theme of Bush's time in office -- the 'faith-based initiative' -- is just the latest example of him trying to show his centrist side."

If I didn't know the guy was a professor of constitutional law and actually cared about things like the rights of nonbelievers and the importance of separation of church and state, I'd be worried. But he does.

In his outreach to evangelicals, Obama needs to watch out for charity workers who proselytize, religious-based organizations that restrict health care services to the public, religious leaders who distort the abortion issue, and a holy host of other stuff. He knows that.

He also knows that it's worth the effort to extend a hand to religious folks. Even those suspicious of organized religion like I am have to admit that churches are the strongest social group in many Ohio neighborhoods. Church groups drive anti-poverty programs and are a rallying point for all types of social causes.

Unlike the online community, the faith-based community represents warm bodies with their shirt sleeves rolled up and ready to offer help.

Like the man said, "We need an all-hands-on-deck approach." (And I love the quasi-military phrasing.)

As tax-free institutions, I believe churches are obligated to give back not only to their members, but also to the community at large. This is a much broader task than just giving to the needy. ("Needy," in itself is problematic...Who decides who's needy?)

In Columbus, there are some black pastors (sorry I don't know their names) who have been working with the city on its new curfew law and mentoring young people. I applaud these men and their genuinely faith-based efforts.

In many neighborhoods, churches and synagogues can best support their communities by giving young people (especially teens) some place to gather. When I was a kid, churches sponsored Friday night "coffeehouses" and group activities for teens. Today, no church seems to want the liability.

My point is there are many worthy faith-based ventures that do not require federal funding.

If collapse of the polar ice caps is too remote of a threat for you, consider one of the side effects of global warming: more ubiquitous and virulent poison ivy.

Yup, increased carbon dioxide in the atmosphere has a fertilizing effect on the nasty vine. Leaves grow bigger and faster, and produce more noxious oil.

"Duke University botanist William Schlesinger says the vine's exuberant response to carbon dioxide may have unsettling implications for human health as the level of the gas in the atmosphere continues to increase.

"Higher levels of carbon dioxide also impacts the health of forests, which some botanists feel, are already suffering because of the uncontrolled growth of vines at the expense of trees and other plants."

Yuck. I hate poison ivy. As a kid, it was a Calamine lotion ritual every summer. Now, even though I'm extra-careful about avoiding it and washing up just in case, I sometimes still get the nasty rash.

However, I'm no longer feeling sorry for myself after viewing the Skin Rash Hall of Fame at poison-ivy.org. The purpose of this site is to sell poison ivy identification charts. (Read the sarcastic "How to Make Your Own Poster.") There are also some great poison ivy stories, including a guy who was splattered with juice when he cut a 4" diameter vine with a chain saw.

In Ohio, poison ivy in leaves-of-three vine form is very common along the edges of forests and highway berms. Our current wet weather and increasing CO2 are only going to make it worse.

Poison ivy reminds us -- like gophers collapsing levees -- Nature will prevail. Don't try to outrun a tornado. Don't feed wild animals. Don't swim into the riptide. Don't think for a minute that you can win a competition with Big Mama. She'll beat you every time.

I think Mom's PO'd at all the abuse we've given her lately, and this itchy kudzu is her way of disciplining us.

The words of folk musician and anti-war protester Phil Ochs, who spent much of his brief life in Columbus and Cleveland, still resonate 30 years later:

When we butchered your son, boys
When we butchered your son
Have a stick of our gum, boys
Have a stick of our bubble-gum
We own half the world, oh say can you see
The name for our profits is democracy
So, like it or not, you will have to be free
'Cause we're the Cops of the World, boys
We're the Cops of the World

Although he was a prolific songwriter, Ochs was never commercially successful. He's probably best known for "I Ain't Marching Anymore" and "Outside a Small Circle of Friends" (which was removed from radio airplay when people complained about the "Smoking marijuana is more fun than drinking beer" lyric).

In my quickie research on Ochs, I found this Boy in Ohio tune which gave me fond memories of 3.2 beer.

Now that the Supremes have ruled that guns are for everyone, of course, I want one too.

Why do I need a gun when I am privileged to live in a safe, affluent neighborhood? Couple of reasons. While I'm glad that our house has no garish copper downspouts or gutters, we do have copper pipes and thefts have been rampant lately. I want to protect my home like everyone else.

Also, my neighbor collects guns. I have a good relationship with all my other neighbors except this guy. He's sullen and unfriendly. I only know he has over 70 guns in his house because his ex-wife told me. They were removed from his home when she had a protection order against him. Now that they're divorced, he's got his firepower back and there's nothing I can do about it except worry....And get a really powerful handgun to protect myself.

I'm a petite middle-aged woman with virtually no gun handling experience. Clearly, a stun gun is insufficient defense against my neighbor's suburban arsenal.

Because I admire Clint Eastwood (Have you seen The Bridges of Madison County? Lovely movie), I was thinking of getting a .44 Magnum -- "the most powerful handgun in the world" -- just like his Dirty Harry character.

This surely will impress my neighbor, copper thieves, solicitors, proselytizers and Trick-or-Treaters.

In keeping with my Embrace the Dull theme, let's talk about county government.

Here's an interesting fact -- and it may be the last you read here -- there are 88 counties in Ohio, the same as the number of keys on a piano! Whee!

Who runs county government? Three-person boards of elected county commissioners in 87 counties; just-has-to-be-different Summit County has a county executive and council.

What do county officials do? They don't make laws. They manage county business and enforce state and federal regulations. The scope of responsibility is quite broad. Counties handle public safety (police, prisons, justice system), infrastructure (highways, sewers, bridges) and public welfare (assistance programs).

All these county services are paid for with sales tax. In Franklin County, the rate is currently 6.75% (COTA buses collect 0.5% of this sales tax.) Six and three-quarters cents of every dollar spent is not such a bad deal considering all the fundamental services counties provide.

County commissioners are usually low-key individuals who you don't hear about until a bridge collapses or a levee breaks. As politicians they are almost invisible.

When disaster strikes, who you gonna call? Probably a county commissioner.

The biennially published Almanac of American Politics 2008 is a great library find, if only to flip through the 1,865 pages to look at photos of governors and Ohio legislators. The comprehensive description of the political climate in Ohio begins:

"Ohio was the first entirely American state, and one which ever since has seemed an epitome of American normalcy. The original 13 states started as British colonies, and the next three, Vermont, Kentucky and Tennessee, were spun from them. But Ohio sprung Athena-like from the head of Congress, as the first state formed from the Northwest Territory...."

Yes, Ohio is entrenched in normalcy. We're the flagship of mediocrity. Ohio the Ordinary.

We're right angles, real squares, although we like to think of ourselves as circular.

There was even a short-lived TV sitcom starring John Goodman called Normal, Ohio. I guess the notion of an overweight football-loving gay guy living in Ohio was a real hoot to all those bicoastal snobs.

I used to be embarrassed by Ohio's middle-of-the-roadness, but I've decided that our strength is in our blandness. If you can't be #1, be #25!

After all, the almanac goes on to call Ohio a "crucial" state in presidential politics. "No Republican has ever been elected president without carrying Ohio; no Democrat, in today's electoral arithmetic, can be sure of winning without it."

I hope Ohio can reach new heights of normality this November and put the biracial guy in the White House.

In terms of personal impact, the federal Do Not Call Registry has got to be one of the best things Congress ever put together in this millennium. No more unsolicited telemarketers! Whoopee!

As you may have noticed around election time, political pollsters and candidate robo-calls are exempted from Do Not Call rules. "Political" speech, as annoying as it may be, is protected under the First Amendment.

But now there's hope for those of us who, like Greta Garbo, simply "vant to be left alone" during election season: the National Political Do Not Call Registry
operated by a Washington-based non-profit called Citizens for Civil Discourse. (Thanks to Mr. Know-It-All in the current issue of Wired for the tip-off.) Lacking government backing, the registry appears to be a work in progress. But the idea of freedom from political intrusions is a worthy goal.

In fact, I'd like to take my right to undisturbed privacy to the next level. Even more intrusive than phone calls are knocks on my door from religious groups who solicit donations for who-knows-what.

What bugs me about these people is their arrogant assumption: We know the truth. You don't. We're here to teach you.

For some sects, proselytizing or "witnessing" is an obligatory religious duty. That's not my problem. I need not feel guilty for shutting my door in their faces.

In my community, solicitors need to get a permit before they can go door to door. As with gambling and taxes, church groups get a free pass. Why?

My right to privacy supersedes their right to exercise their religious beliefs -- especially on my property. Sure, they mean well. So do lots of polygamists and snake handlers who claim God is their copilot.

Yeah, it's petty and bitchy, but I'd like to propose a National Do Not Proselytize Registry.

At minimum, it seems like every community in Ohio has a park with a baseball diamond, a Dairy Queen/Dari Twist/Custard Palace or the like, and a Subway. (A payday lending place too -- I hope they stick around.)

Subway has over 29,400 outlets in 86 countries, and is one of the least expensive franchise businesses to start up. They offer a healthy menu and freshly baked bread makes the stores smell good. I'm grateful that the franchisee near me is letting my son put in some work hours while he's home from college. His Subway shirt and hat smell like chopped onions, but it's a lot better than the film of grease that used to cover my polyester uniform and face when I worked for Kentucky Fried Chicken on West Fifth Ave. in Columbus in the early 70s.

It only takes one or two workers to man a Subway shop. At KFC, we had a minimum crew of four, and the jobs were very gender-specific. Guys prepped and cooked the chicken, while the girls took the orders and packed them. For a girl, one of the first skills you had to learn was how to walk in heels on a greasy, wet floor. Along with a red-striped apron, shoes with heels were part of the dress code (which was dumb because customers couldn't even see our legs behind the counter). I think the manager made up the heel-rule in retaliation for having to wear a dorky Colonel string tie.

There are lots of urban legends about KFC then and now. I can neither confirm nor deny stories about workers losing fingers in the huge pressure cookers, but my guess is these rumors are false because they always end with a "finger lickin' good" punchline.

Eleven herbs and spices? Salt, pepper and paprika are three of them...it was printed on the flour bags.

The bucket -- I don't know what the mystique is, but people loved to have their chicken packed into a cylinder. We even sold empty paper buckets for 75 cents. Interestingly, it was Wendy's founder Dave Thomas who invented this iconic symbol of KFC.

Here's something only a KFC insider would notice: The chain used to cut chickens into nine pieces, now it's just eight. The breast is cut into two halves, instead of two "ribs" and a "keel."

We used to sell chicken livers and gizzards (stomachs) by the pint. Surprisingly, people bought them. I wonder what happens to these leftover bird parts now. (And beaks, feet and feathers, for that matter.)

KFC dropped the Kentucky Fried Chicken signage in 1991 and now is publicly owned by Yum! Brands. It was probably smart to disassociate with the word Fried, but it's kind of a shame that the next generation of Asians and Europeans will no longer associate our neighboring state with chicken.

In my years as a private in the Colonel's chicken corps, I learned how to smile at rude customers and be wary of short-change "artists." Dealing with the public is an experience everyone should have (although I'm happy to leave it to the young people now).

Subway employees ("Sandwich Artists") have to interact with customers to a greater degree than we carry-out chicken workers ever did. I asked my son what he most disliked about his summer job, and he replied that he felt bad when he couldn't communicate with customers. He's studied Spanish, but the language and/or cultural barriers were sometimes difficult. I could relate to that.

My kid makes $7.75/hr compared to my $1.60. Given inflation and his added expense of a cell phone, he probably makes less per hour in disposable income than I did. (I used to barter leftover chicken for gas with the Clark station attendant on Fifth Ave.)

Besides bolstering your people-skills, fast food work gives you an appreciation for the value of a college education.

I may not be a doctor, but I had a vision about medical ethics recently:  How can we as a community allow the surgical removal of prostate glands and all the potential life they represent?

This walnut-sized gland is responsible for maintaining, protecting and enhancing the viability of sperm in the ejaculate. Without it, men are unable to plant their seed, as God intended.

I think the Ohio Christian Alliance will back me up on this -- all life is sacred. And as the Center for Bioethical Reform says, medical ethical decisions belong in the hands of state government.

The Ohio General Assembly is gonna hear from me!  Prostate surgery has got to stop!

Well, maybe that's a little harsh. Perhaps we can write a bill that allows for exceptions for the life of the potential father. Legislation which will require that $300 ultrasound pictures of the swollen prostates be provided for free to men who request them is another great idea.

We won't go after the men with prostate cancer -- we'll only punish the prostate surgery providers.

Clearly this is a hot button issue that needs to be examined by our state legislators. Put your gloves on, gentlemen!

"I grew up in a dirty little steel town called Steubenville," teenage porn star Traci Lords (aka Nora Kuzma) begins her 2003 autobiography Underneath It All. She goes on to decribe her nightmarish sexualized childhood, made possible by irresponsible adults, a brutally violent father and "The Curse of the C Cup." She describes herself as a "sexual terrorist" during her teen years, her anger driving her to nude modeling, prostitution, stripping and porn films.

Though neglected, exploited and addicted to cocaine, Lords survived. With a fake ID, she was hired by Penthouse and landed in the centerfold of one of the magazine's best-selling issues which also featured nudes of fallen Miss America Vanessa Williams.

Traci Lords' porn career ended abruptly at the age of 18 when FBI agents -- fueled by the recent anti-porn Meese Commission -- raided her L.A. apartment, handcuffed her and took her downtown for intensive interrogation. "We know who you are, Nora," they told her. The FBI had been gathering information on her for over three years in preparation for this sting on pornographers. "You people knew the whole time?" Traci/Nora asked the feds. Realizing that they had been following her entire desperate career as a teenage porn star, she "went berserk."

Conspiracy-theory side note:  Could the Meese Commission have been a Reagan tip-of-the-hat to Hollywood?  Camcorders were new and low-budget pornographers were squeezing out traditional movie makers. Follow the money. If the feds really had had any compassion for little Nora Kuzma, wouldn't they have busted her three years prior?

Lords, an exception to the porn industry, went on to star in dozens of mainstream films and TV shows, including John Waters' Cry-Baby, Melrose Place and Profiler. She is now 40, happily married and living in L.A. I'm not totally convinced she's the blameless victim she claims to be in her book, but I'm impressed with her determination. She's a good writer too:

"While I am opposed to government censorship, I can't help but wonder where it will stop. When is sex no longer sexy? I have struggled with that question in both my career and personal life. And I have come to the conclusion that, while I find sexuality and eroticism as healthy as laughter and as nourishing as good food, I believe hard-core porn is desensitizing to the viewer and that it objectifies its performers. I am speaking from personal experience when I tell you that while many porn stars may look pretty on the outside, I have never met one who wasn't damaged by a business that makes it impossible to think of its 'stars' as human at all."

It's probably no coincidence that "Sultan of Smut" John Holmes, aka Johnny Wadd, aka John Curtis Estes was born in rural Pickaway County to an abusive alcoholic father and religious fanatic mother. I don't have to tell you what John Holmes is famous for; it is extensively enumerated in his Wikipedia entry.

The inspiration for the Digg Diggler character in Boogie Nights, Holmes was implicated in four drug-related homicides ("Wonderland Murders") and served time in prison for burglary. He was diagnosed with AIDS in 1985 and continued to work in the porn industry for another two years (nice guy, huh?). He died in 1988, age 43.

Reportedly, fellow Ohioans Lords and Holmes have even appeared in a skin flick together.  (I would research the title, but I'm afraid I'll send my computer into a never-ending porn spiral. So I won't.)

The porn business, I suspect, is very different than it was when these two were top meat. But there will always be a sex industry and young people can find quick rewards there. And who can blame them? If you never get any positive feedback except when you're nude, that's where life will lead you.

Yesterday I heard Colleen Marshall of NBC4 use the term "precious cargo" to describe children in a news story about the Ohio State Highway Patrol.

It reminded me of an incident a couple of decades ago when I was driving home from Grandma's house in Painesville with my two little kids. As if driving I-90 in a minivan wasn't bad enough, my toddler had managed to squirm out of his car seat and was climbing around the van, taunting his baby brother.

The best course of action, I decided, was to pull over and put him back in his seat before we reached Dead Man's Curve in Cleveland. As soon as I did, a highway patrolman pulls over. He tells me I shouldn't be stopping here. I explain -- see for yourself, the buckle is still fastened on the child seat -- the kid is a Houdini. What else could I do?

The cop uses the term "precious cargo," like, three times. I say, "I don't care what they teach you at the academy, they're not cargo, they're my kids!"

The patrolman was taken aback by my surly response. But he did give my 2-year-old a stern lecture and we were on our way.

I went looking for the long-lived "precious cargo" term on the highway patrol website. Didn't find it, but I did discover a treasure trove of in-car videos of OVIs and other arrests. Check it out. Most of the clips are a couple years old and silent, but still fascinating. It's like raw Cops:Ohio footage. Don't miss "3/30/08 Resisting suspect has crack, marijuana and loaded 9 mm."

Now that I'm a Little Old Lady (lol), cops like me and I like them. I'm just the kind of person they like to serve and protect. What they do is dangerous. They never know what they're going to get when they pull someone over, whether it's a crackhead with a gun or a sarcastic young mom.

Just when we thought we were safe from divisive religio-politics, here comes The Matthew 25 Network, a faith-based Democrat PAC supporting Sen. Obama's presidential bid.

Hoo-boy. Here we go again. The last time I chided religious leaders, my computer shut down twice, apparently from outside security threats. It's flattering to believe someone is paying attention. I just wish they'd leave comments.

The Carpetbagger Report says: "Called The Matthew 25 Network, the new organization, which is still in its earliest stages, is being spearheaded by Mara Vanderslice, who was director of religious outreach for the Kerry-Edwards campaign in 2004 and did similar work for several statewide Democratic candidates, including Governor Ted Strickland of Ohio....

"In case you're wondering, the name of the project comes from the 25th chapter of the Biblical book of Matthew, quoting Jesus: 'For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'"

So what's the problem?

Two things:

First and foremost, Democrats and Republicans alike: What part of "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion" don't you understand?

It's like the one thing our government is charged with keeping its nose out of -- religion -- and the pols can't help themselves but to take a heady whiff of this Pandora's box.

Rev. Jeremiah Wright and Father Michael "Mockmeister" Pfleger didn't do Obama any good.  Rev. John Hagee and Hometown Anti-Hero Rod "Lock n Load" Parsley didn't do McCain or their respective congregations any good. Partnering with religious groups looks like a sin-sin proposition to me.

Besides, Christian beliefs are as diverse as political beliefs. There are plenty of pro-choice churches, for example. They just aren't as vocal as the pro-life evangelicals.

Likewise, it's a bad idea to post the Ten Commandments in public places for a lot of reasons, but mainly because we can't agree on which version is the "right" one. (I, for one, won't be coveting my neighbor's wife, but I'm not making any promises about his ass.)

The second problem with The Matthew 25 Network initiative -- and I can't believe it takes an Ohio housewife slacker like myself to point this out -- is that the first story of Matthew 25 is a sad example of spirit-crushing sexism.

From the the New International Version (the most current widely available) Bible: "The Parable of the Ten Virgins: At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. Five of them were foolish and five were wise...." (Note to Bible translators: If you mean "girl," say girl. If you're talking about Jesus's mother, say virgin. Otherwise, it's confusing.)

The name is disappointing and its goal -- to gain votes for Obama -- doesn't sound very Christian-like to me. I wish Democrats would stop trying to imitate Republicans and promote Obama for the secular hero that he is.

Despite my distaste for all things Republican, I find it hard not to like Laura Lane Welch Bush.

Apparently other Americans agree. Laura has the highest approval rating of any first lady (82%) while her husband has had the lowest approval ratings of any President in recent history. That's a marital dilemma in itself.

Laura Bush recently traveled to Afghanistan for the third time on a goodwill mission. She pledged to continue supporting the Afghan rebuilding effort after she moved out of the White House. Good old Laur, just mopping up the big mess her husband left, like a good wife should.

Behind the demure posture and ever-so-slight Texan accent, I sense a depth of character in Laura. She's a librarian, after all, and she still has a good figure. What's not to like?

I read in The Globe -- which is as good a news source as any, as far as I'm concerned -- that Laura stayed in a Washington hotel for a night because she was mad at George for drinking. I think this was creative Homeland Security on her part.

This is purely speculation, but I believe Laura has undergone cosmetic surgery to remove wrinkles on her top lip. In her case, it's not a matter of vanity, but political survival in an HD world. (It's seemingly minor issues like this, I think, that keep women from running for public office.)

You may have heard, Laura killed a classmate named Michael Douglas when she was 17. It's a There-but-for-the-grace-of-God-go-I kind of story.

She is an only child. Her one full-term pregnancy produced twins. (Fortunately, they are fraternal twins, so the Bushes didn't have any human cloning issues to deal with.)

In 2005, Laura and three friends (sans Dubya) took a vacation to the Hoh Rainforest in Washington state. The ladies hiked over 30 miles. I must say that is impressive for a woman of her age and stature. It's like hearing Jackie Kennedy speak fluent French.

I like Laura. Unlike her predecessor Hillary Clinton, she didn't choose to be a leader. She just is.

Seattle, home of Microsoft, is a city of pedestrian commuters. They come by ferry boat, bus, rail, streetcar and bike. Seattle even has a monorail (though mostly functional only for tourists). Oddly, it looks a lot like the streetcar design proposed for Columbus.

I suspect many Seattleites don't use any fuel at all to commute to work. They just shuffle to their home offices in their slippers.

We are infrequent flyers, but spouse and I had an opportunity to visit Washington state recently. The terrain is hilly in Seattle, it rains frequently, and there actually is a Starbucks on every corner downtown. People fill the sidewalks during the workday. It creates a pro-urban vibe that we can be envious of (just ask Channel 4 On the Square).

They seem genuinely greener there in the Pacific Northwest, and very much like us except for one thing: clothes. Almost everyone I saw downtown wore the same uniform -- dark-colored hooded waterproof jacket, backpack and athletic shoes. No suits, briefcases or uncomfortable shoes.

I don't think fashion sense at the Statehouse or Columbus' high-rise legal offices is going to change anytime soon, but maybe we should take a cue from Seattle and try to accommodate casual commuters. Let's accept that there will be peripheral effects to going green, and relax the dress code.

Ever try riding a bike in high heels?