ProgressOhio

Governor-Cum-Fox talk show host Mike Huckabee was a guest on The Daily Show recently giving the usual holier-than-thou prolife speech. Yes, every life is precious, Huck. So why aren't you doing anything to prevent natural abortions, i.e., miscarriages?

Maybe Huck's been ordered by Fox News to take the focus off vigilante-justice inspiration Bill O'Reilly. If anyone has misused public airwaves to incite violence, it's him.

Is it just me, or does it seem unAmerican that nine justices -- predominantly Catholics who have not experienced child birth and have no medical credentials -- should be making decisions about methods used for late term abortions? For once, I wish talk show hosts would discuss this.

Has it occurred to neoconservatives that you can't work the keep-big-government-out-of-our-lives argument both ways? You can't support the rights of the individual (as in the Second Amendment of the Bill of Rights, for example) and not be pro-choice.

Personally, I'm sick of old men on Fox and elsewhere discussing gynecology in sound bites and always with a morality chip on their shoulders. They don't know what they're talking about.

Menstrual-phobic radio show host and convicted Watergate conspirator G. Gordon Liddy demonstrated his depth of understanding of gender discrimination with this comment about Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor:

Liddy said, “Let’s hope that the key conferences aren’t when she’s menstruating or something, or just before she’s going to menstruate. That would really be bad. Lord knows what we would get then," according to the Womens Media Center.

Now substitute he for she, and the word masturbate for menstruate. Makes more sense doesn't it?

I would only hope we ask as much from justices Scalia, Roberts and the rest of them. Just saying.

My late dad rarely talked about his experiences in the Army Air Corp. It is from old newspaper clippings that I know that he piloted 21 combat missions over Germany in an A-20. A few of those missions were nail-biters -- just barely landing at his base across the Rhine River after taking enemy flak to his fuel tank, for example.

I don't even have a point of reference to understand what real Nazi warfare must have been like for him. Video games? How pathetic.

Unfortunately, by the time I got around to asking my dad probing questions about his war experiences, he was suffering from Parkinsons disease and often delusional.

"Did you find the base OK?" he'd ask from his nursing home bed.

"Yes, Daddy, no problem." Was it the Parkinsons or the meds for the Parkinsons? I'm not sure, but this went on for 12 years. It is what it is.

In one of his more lucid moments he told me his most exciting wartime experience was coming home -- piloting a single-engine prop plane across the Atlantic with a stopover in Africa. It's funny that this peaceful mission was what he remembered most vividly.

Though he wasn't a military careerist type, my dad like the Army. Before he enlisted he graduated from Ohio State with a business degree. He was devastated to be rejected from fraternity membership there. Raised by a single parent, he did not have the social benefit of a dad with a fat bank account. The Army didn't care about that -- they took him at face value for the smart, capable guy that he was.

Part of my dad's legacy is that he disliked fraternities, country clubs and all things elitist, despite his personal success. Although he was a Republican, I think he would have appreciated that Barack Obama is neither a Skull-and-Boner nor a His father-his father-his father kind of guy.

My dad left behind a leather-bound photo album with shots of his army buddies, aerial fighter pilot scenes and French postcards (the boring kind, like the Eiffel Tower). There are also candid pictures of Hitler and Mussolini mixed in with his personal photos. I now realize that he probably purchased these photos post-war, but when I was a kid looking at this album, I took it for granted that my daddy was hopping around Europe, taking Polaroids of Der Fuhrer. Of course! All in a day's work for a quiet WWII war hero.

I planted a small tuft of Robert Mitchum Peppermint a few years ago between our fence and driveway. I don't know why this herb is named after the '50s film noir star of Cape Fear and Night of the Hunter (where Mitchum plays a super-creepy preacher with "Love" and "Hate" tattooed on his knuckles). I guess some horticulturist just liked the actor and wanted to honor him.

I like Bob Mitchum too -- the guy got busted for smoking pot in the '40s. A true risk taker. He's vintage beefcake with a honey voice and stoner eyes. Like Bettie Page, he's sexiest in black and white.

So in honor of Mitchum, I planted just one little seedling (too bad it couldn't have been a more useful medicinal herb), and now I've got invasive peppermint shooting out everywhere, busting through the driveway blacktop. If you park in our driveway, you get minty-fresh tires and vague thoughts of Christmas.

I also have Annie Hall Thyme growing, which got me thinking about celebrity-named plants (and Woody Allen movies). It seems the most nameable plants are roses. There are dozens of roses named after real people. There are country singer roses (Reba McEntyre, Minnie Pearl), First Lady roses (Barbara Bush), political leader roses (Helmut Schmidt, JFK), lots of entertainer roses (Elizabeth Taylor, Henry Fonda, Rosie O'Donnell, Carrot Top), a troubled carmaker nameplate rose (Chrysler Imperial), as well as a few inexplicable rose names (Weight Watchers Success and Stainless Steel).

Why not develop a strain of Tina Louise Gingeroot, Lindsey Lohan Chickweed, Miss California Melons or Rod Parsley-in-the-Pulpit?

A separate garden area would be necessary for invasive political species. Next to the Phlox News Hackberrys, for example, you might find a Burning Bush, Dickweed Thistle, Monica Lewinsky Honeysuckle, Rod Blago Forget-Me-Nots, Don't Ask, Don't Tell Ladys Slippers and Enhanced Interrogation Nettles.

Delicate species, such as Columbine: The Flower, are at risk of being choked out by Beltway Virginia Creeper and Lobbyist Milkweed.

It's best to use Bleeding Hearts as a border to the Big Guvment Garden. It doesn't produce anything edible, but you never have to prune it.

After reviewing my 300 or so posts here at PO, I decided I should get off the women's lib-y topics. Media and religious sexism, reproductive rights, yadda, yadda, blah, blah. It dates me and it all seems so petty when women in Afghanistan are beaten for exposing their ankle flesh.

However, bitchin' on behalf of womanhood is one of the few areas of expertise I can claim, so please allow me one more rant: sexist bankers.

I can only offer anecdotal evidence and personal experience here, but time after time I've been asked in bank sales pitches to "bring my husband in for a sit-down" regarding non-joint accounts. Do they ask men to bring their wives in to discuss separately held accounts? I don't think so.

A friend of mine let a large brokerage house talk her into setting up a joint account with her separately inherited money. She really got burned when she and her husband divorced.

I can't prove it, but it seems to me that sexism is endemic in the financial services and banking industry. They could use some sensitivity training. In the meantime, we women need to watch out for our own interests.

Franklin County Treasurer Edward Leonard sent us a shocking bill recently. Sure, we were expecting this statement of Real Estate Taxes for 2nd Half 2008. But still, it's the kind of large invoice that elicits a WTF? reaction.

My husband -- a rare combination of tax expert as well as middle-aged hottie -- explained to me how property taxes are calculated. I will not attempt to explain the Reduction Factor and other stuff myself. But from what I gather, if we had to pay the fully-loaded tax rate on the true market value of our homes, few of us could afford to be homeowners.

You can thank Gov. Gilligan for the 10% rollback. This was instituted in 1973 when the state started collecting income tax, as a way to appease Ohio property owners. Kind of a give-back.

According to The Dispatch, property tax appeals have reached record levels this year. If you can prove your property is worth less than the county figures, more power to you.

Frankly, it's all very mysterious to me. With so many types of taxes -- Federal Income, State Income, RITA, sales, property and so forth -- it's hard to get a big-picture perspective on what you're paying to whom for what purpose. It's so much easier to embrace the Republican mantra: Taxes, bad; tax cuts, good.

At least with property taxes, it is possible to know roughly where your money is going. I believe our tab is typical for Franklin County: For Schools, 65%; City (includes police and fire departments), 9%; Ohio Department of Mental Retardation & Developmental Disabilities, 8.5%; Children Services, 5%; Franklin County Board of Alcohol, Drug and Mental Health, 3%; Library, 2.8% (had a recent local levy passed, it would have raised the library tax by 37%); Senior Options, 1.2%; and less than 1% each for the Zoo and Parks. In our case we have a special assessment for streetlamps which amounts to 1.5% of the total property tax bill.

So what are our property taxes actually paying for? Teachers and social workers, mostly.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. It beats funding two wars.

Teen mom and celebrity daughter Bristol Palin graduated from Wasilla High School yesterday. Good for her.

Although I wonder about the abstinence education group that hired her to do speaking engagements -- any teen who doesn't have a baby might be a better role model for abstinence -- Bristol is A-OK. She's poised and attractive, and she's endured the scrutiny of millions to the point where little old lady bloggers from Ohio feel comfortable analyzing her baby-daddy problems on a first name basis.

It's been argued that Bristol could have quietly gotten an abortion and thereby avoided all the brouhaha surrounding her mother's political aspirations. That's not exactly true. Abortion is illegal in Alaska. There are no clinics there. Practically speaking, she really didn't have a choice once she was pregnant, even if she was over 18.

I'm happy for Bristol and her baby. She's been through a lot in the last year. She looks terrific...those women of the North have great skin.

Republicans are enchanted by the abortion debate. As they are keenly aware, the idea of murdering babies is universally repulsive. It gets people fired up -- especially celibate holy men -- and those are the kind of influential people you want on your side. But the really great tactical thing about protesting abortion is that the boogiepersons -- slutty girls -- never, ever fight back.

I really thought we as a country were so over this debate. With Obama as the most pro-women, pro-equitable healthcare President ever, I finally feel safe. But now with prolifers converging on Notre Dame, a replacement needed on Supreme Abortion Court, and a recent Gallup Poll indicating a shift in self-labeling toward prolife (yet, at the same time, says the poll, more Americans favor legal abortions), well, someone has to speak up for the frightened and pregnant.

If we must reduce the highly personal, life-changing act of reproduction into slogans and protest signs, here are mine:

I WISH WE LIVED IN A WORLD WITHOUT RAPE, INCEST, GENETIC DISEASE, MATERNAL ILLNESS, CONTRACEPTIVE FAILURE, UNPROTECTED MOMENTS OF PASSION AND HUMAN FALLIBILITY...BUT WE DON'T

HEY CATHOLICS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING ABOUT THE MILLIONS OF UNBORN BABIES ABORTED NATURALLY?

NO ONE IN HISTORY HAS EVER WANTED TO HAVE AN ABORTION

IF ABORTION IS ILLEGAL, WHO WILL TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR D-I-Y ABORTIONS?

THE BIBLE SAYS NOTHING ABOUT ABORTION -- CHECK IT OUT FOR YOURSELF

EITHER YOU'RE AGAINST BIG GOVERNMENT INTERFERING WITH OUR LIVES OR YOU'RE PROLIFE. PICK ONE.

And the most pertinent catch-phrase of all....IF YOU'RE AGAINST ABORTION, DON'T HAVE ONE.

After reading about the bummer of thoughtless drunken rioting at Ohio University, I was gratified to learn that over 50 protestors were on hand to make noise at the OSU-sponsored appearance of sexual assault advocate/humorist Tucker Max.

Way to go, protestors! You got your message across effectively. As evidenced by the comments to an article in The Lantern (91 at last count), many young people still believe rape is a laughable matter.

With four women dying every day in the U.S. from the rudely euphemistic domestic violence, the Tucker Max performance was something worth protesting. He is a symbol of oppression. He's put himself out there as a profiteer. I can boycott him by not buying his book, but he was foisted on OSU students.

It warmed my heart to see women, men and a few big loud guys with whistles and Buckeye jerseys disrupting the Tucker Max show. Real social activism! We haven't seen this from young people in years!

I'm glad the students were unsuccessful in canceling the show (which is a legitimate request, since it was paid for with student funds). It was much better to make his fans feel uncomfortable. Free speech for everyone!

What a refreshing contrast to riotous Palmer Fest in Athens, where my student son reports a police horse was hit squarely between the eyes with a beer bottle. Nice going, jerks. You take Man vs. Beast to a whole new level. (Btw, nothing like that happened -- not even on Halloween -- when I went to OU in the '70s and 3.2 beer was legal for 18 year olds.)

Love and kisses to Ohio State Tucker Max protestors. Keep it up!

Mothers Fan Alert! The Zappa Plays Zappa Tour featuring guitarist prodigy Dweezil is scheduled to play the House of Blues in Cleveland July 3rd and at a TBA venue in Columbus July 8th.

Even if you're not an FZ fan, you have to admit Peaches en Regalia is a beautiful tune. I understand the grandson of Suzy Creamcheese gives a good show.

I certainly did enjoy my Mothers Day outing to St. Alfonzo's Pancake Breakfast.

You'd think as the world's largest developer of penis-shaped buildings Donald Trump would have his hands full. But no, he continues to ravage the environment by building golf courses. He's best known, of course, as a faux Reality star for NBC.

It's apparent that these Trump enterprises all cross-pollinate each other. All Trump has to do is pump to make money.

Trump's latest self-promoting outburst is the Miss USA pageant, and he's milking it for all it's worth. The gay marriage controversy surrounding it is a fabricated media event. Why else would the pageant chose Perez Hilton to be a judge?

A soft porn holdover from the '70s, the Miss USA pageant isn't doing the women of the world any favors. It paid for tool-of-the-year Miss California's breast implant surgery. What's up with that? It's like the Westminster Dog Show paying for implants to make its contestants' tails more perky.

Let's take the spotlight off fully indoctrinated Carrie Prejean, shall we? Donald Trump -- a 62-year-old man who apparently uses orange Jello as hair dye and is married for the third time to a 24-year-younger woman -- and gay activist Perez Hilton are poor judges of feminine beauty and integrity.

As a mom, I sincerely hope young women today can resist the beauty pageant culture and think for themselves. To paraphrase Al Franken, you're good enough and smart enough and gosh darn it, people like you...without breast implants.

Thanks for reading my Mother's Day rant. I feel better already. Suggestion: Today ask your mom (or maybe your surrogate mom) what pisses her off. Then listen.

I think I know what's wrong with the financial services industry. It's not a failing global economy, unscrupulous derivatives traders, or the giant Ponzi scheme of online stock trading.

No, the problem with the financial services sector can be be summed up by an email I recently received from an Investment Advisor/VP of Wealth Management for a major brokerage house which I no longer do business with. Here's a snippet:

Economic Data - Coming in fairly consistently better than expectations. The Armageddon scenario appears to be off the table as the economy while not improving substantially appears to be proving more resilient than most economists are predicting. The proof will be on the markets to actually show economic improvement in the second half of the year, not just better than terrible but for now signs of stabilization are present

Liquidity - Credit Markets are easing and spreads are coming in. This is a positive Sentiment - Panic/Euphoria Model is still in PANIC mode.....

I mean, really. What the hell is he talking about? I'd expect more clarity from a middle schooler's cut-and-pasted essay on America's Financial Mess.

I'm not quoting out of context here. There is no context. This email contains no personal greeting or explanation. This is a vice president -- aren't they all VPs in that business? -- just randomly phishing.

These people simply don't know how to communicate. To compensate, they use insider jargon to make you feel stupid. Well, I'm not going to be intimidated by their Armageddon scenarios anymore.

I don't have to listen to their drivel. They can take their Panic/Euphoria Model and shove it. I can lose money all by myself, thank you very much.

Ladies, everyone is talking about the latest no-surgery way to make men's heads turn -- foot binding. Studies show that nine out of ten males are enchanted by young girls with deformed feet. If you act now, this secret to lifelong happiness can be yours!

Just what is this age-defying Ancient Chinese Secret? With our custom Lotus Feet (TM) regime, Asian matrons Yoko & Yaki come to your home to perform this very special, very personal beauty ritual. Sorry, we can't tell you how this proprietary beauty process is done. Suffice it to say, all you do is RELAX. In fact, you'll be off your feet for a long time.

Get that beauty pageant "perfect line" without the hassle of surgery. Your man will be saying, "Your Lotus Feet are so sexy, darling. I wish you had done that years ago!"

Foot binding -- It's endorsed by Donald Trump and Chinese pedophiles from the 10th century to today!*

* Ask about our Club Ped and LittleFeet4Ever financing plans. 

I was too busy posting snarky comments about Bible verses to notice that yesterday was the National Day of Prayer. Very fine Dispatch reporter Meredith Heagney wrote a wrap-up for the condensed Metro/Faith&Values section which included coverage of atheists and secularists holding a competing National Day of Reason on the Statehouse lawn.

Diverse Beliefs of America -- Don't you love it? I think it's what Thomas Jefferson had in mind when he wrote: "It causes me no injury if my neighbor believes in 20 gods or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg."

I once printed that quote on a sign and held up that sign at an anti-choice, anti-stem cell research, anti-gay "Christian" rally downtown. Well, if you think Christians are discriminated against, try being a secularist. Babykiller and bitch were just some of the names they called me.

While I thoroughly endorse the National Day of Prayer, National Day of Reason, TEA parties, and anyone else who wants to peaceably assemble and express themselves, President Obama has more pressing issues to deal with. I'm glad he broke with tradition and didn't spend the day with religious leaders -- he'd have to meet with every damn one of them. I think he already covered that territory during his inauguration.

Next to the Heagney article in The Dispatch was Religion Briefs (Mormons have those, I believe). There's a tragic news item about a beloved bishop who needed to have his leg amputated. I wonder, why don't all those Christians at the Statehouse pray for the bishop's leg to grow back? If God can cure disease, surely He doesn't discriminate against amputees.

It's good news and a little surprising that Franklin County voted to pass its Metro Parks levy this week by a large margin. We reaffirmed our desire for public green spaces even in a bad economy.

While Metro Parks has the support of our property taxes, other Ohio public parks are not so lucky. Most outdoor historical sites operated by the cash-strapped Ohio Historical Society, understandably must charge admission fees. (Nice freebie exception: Leo Petroglyph in Jackson County.)

There are city parks, state parks and even a national park in Ohio -- all free admission. This is not the norm. From personal experience, I know that state parks in Florida, Georgia, Wisconsin and Michigan charge fees, usually $3 per vehicle, collected on the honor system.

We've got some darn nice state parks, including the Old Man's Cave/Hocking Hills group and the glacially-groovy Kelleys Island SP which was recently featured in Time Magazine's Hidden America publication.

Times are tough, but I hope we can keep our state parks free and accessible. I think a free-parks policy makes a statement about us as Ohioans and what we value.

We are not going to find out who will be Obama's pick for the Supreme Court this week. This non-existent person, you may have heard, has been criticized already by the Right for being too empathetic.

Almost all the Opinionati is resigned to the fact that the nominee will be a woman, and perhaps a Hispanic woman. I say resigned because the pundits don't seem happy about it, as if this was an affront to Caucasian men. It's like being disappointed that a black guy was chosen MVP of the NBA.

We need a woman to serve on the Supreme Abortion Court. Well, that's a big Duh. These guys have been laying down farming practices from the city for too long.

I think we should go further and not just make a Hallmark Card gesture toward our founding predecessors. It's time for moms to represent!

Seriously, I am concerned that we are raising a generation of Malibu Barbies, Surgical Suzis and rude, thoughtless pigs. Girls are buying what old men are selling. Why else would so many college women dress up as hookers for Halloween?

If there is any confusion about what constitutes unethical sexism, here's a rule of thumb: if you wouldn't want your daughter to do it, it's unhealthy for humanity.

A mom on the Big Bench would be a start to straightening this country out. We are pretty good at the empathy stuff. (Please, spend some Davenport time with your mom this weekend.)

Full disclosure: Although I'm not a lawyer, my legal opinion is bolstered by the fact that I am a former hockey mom, journalism school graduate and I have actually seen Russia. This qualifies me to be at least the deputy Ruler of the Free World, according to some parties.

I seem to remember a case maybe 20 years ago involving the Ohio EPA citing an Amish group for improper disposal of human waste. They refused to dig their pit toilets deep enough and properly vaulted. With the threat of a large fine, a group of Amish men showed up at the Statehouse to protest. I'm not sure how that turned out -- these pre-internet events often cease to exist -- but I bet the Amish won. Who wants to mess with bearded fundamentalists, even if they are non-violent?

Anyhoo, I was reminded of that case when I read this item in the Americans United newsletter, Church & State. What do you think?

An Amish man was sentenced to 90 days in a Pennsylvania jail for failing to abide by a court order to bring two school outhouses into compliance with sewage regulations.

Andy Swartzentruver of Barr Township had been warned a month ago to bring his two schools into compliance with sewage requirements, but Swartzentruver said he would rather go to jail than compromise his religious beliefs.

“I stand by my religion. If I don’t, it could destroy the whole church group,” he told The Tribune-Democrat.

In addition to jail time, Swartzentruver was fined $1,000, escalating the $1,600 he already owed for failing to obtain a sewage permit and follow municipal sewage regulations.

Sam Yoder, an Amish elder, said some improvements were made to the outhouse and the collection of the waste. While the sect would be willing to pay a permit fee, members would not post a required bond, allow soil testing or submit a sewage planning model.

“This is not a religious issue,” said Judge Norman Krumenacker of his decision. “The bottom line of this whole case is the balancing of society’s needs for protecting the health, safety and welfare of its citizens and the balancing of reasonable [requirements] around your sect’s beliefs.”

Swartzentruver asked to keep his hair long, wear his distinctive clothes and have no TV or electricity while in prison. Krumenacker said they will “make every accommodation we can. I don’t think we [force inmates] to cut hair any more.”

I was thinking for Mother's Day we could try an empathy experiment, so that men could experience what their mothers, wives and sisters go through. Sort of a carbon offset credit program, except for motherhood.

Are you game for this, guys? C'mon, don't wuss out on me. Here we go....

First, drink the Simulation Kool Aid. You're pregnant, congratulations! Feeling a little queasy? Barfing every morning for no particular reason? The smell of spoiled food and car exhaust make you retch? It's God's gift!

You go to the doctor, who prescribes huge vitamin pills and tells you what you can't do and what you can't eat. You endure endless maternity horror stories from older women. There is so much to worry about.

Your ankles swell along with your belly. Weird skin conditions erupt. People want to touch your belly as if it was independent of you. Men stare surreptitiously at your stomach without making eye contact. It's creepy.

You have trouble sleeping. Your back hurts. (This will get much worse later when you're herding toddlers into car seats.) It's kind of fun to have fuller breasts, but this is offset by your fear of staying fat. You become hormone-crazed. Lassie reruns make you cry.

You cannot afford to lose your job, so you must put on your 30 lb. simulation belly, maternity top and heels and go to work throughout your pregnancy. You have uncontrollable gas which is one of the many reasons why co-workers avoid you. If you work for the rare company that offers paid maternity leave, your boss will chide you about this is in an effort to get you to quit voluntarily.

After about 8-1/2 months of this, you're thinking, Can we please get this over with? But the answer is no. You are no longer the boss of yourself. You must surrender yourself to the medical establishment and the human kicking you from the inside.

There is really no way to properly simulate the birthing process for a man, so for this portion of the empathy experiment you get knocked out (i.e., Twilight Sleep) as our mothers' generation did. When you wake up, you find out whether you had a boy or girl. If you are from a female-intensive family and birth a girl, you can expect relatives to express their disappointment. (Oh, and you're still fat.)

Was it worth it? Absolutely!

Are we done yet? Hell no, we haven't even gotten started. You're going to love the breast feeding experience. There's nothing quite like being a food source.

Forgive me for getting Shepard Smith-y on you, but I am genuinely shocked and disgusted that a mainstream mogul like Donald Trump would be associated with a '70s-era enterprise that freely admits to financing surgical enhancement to college scholarship competitors.

This is a slap in the face to women everywhere and to those who legitimately earn academic and sports scholarships.

If the Miss USA contest was the Westminster Dog Show, PETA would protest it.

This is the third brief post I've written on this topic. Here are the first and second. At first I was skeptical that a legitimate beauty pageant would stoop this low, but now this sad truth has been confirmed. It makes me madder and madder every time I think about it.

Shanna Moakler, co-director of the Miss California pageant, says the practice of paying for breast implants for contestants is "very common." Honestly, I'm flabbergasted. How far will this bionics trend go? We can build her: better... faster... tittier.